Junks

Overdramatic.

I’ve never been more hurt or felt more betrayed in my entire life.

Honestly. This is much worse than last time.

Last time he was never a good boyfriend. It was on and off from the start. The cheating never ended.

This time there’s so much good to remember. And remembering the good makes it all so much worse. 

It wasn’t always this way.

There was a time that nothing I could say could make him stop loving me. He didn’t believe a single bad thing I thought about myself. He wanted to be with me more than almost anything.

Now everything I’ve ever said has slowly made him hate him. He finally understands all the reasons I hate myself. He hates me more than anyone in the world. He wants absolutely nothing to do with my life. Every text sent is replied to with plea for me to leave him alone forever.

He’d be happier if I were dead. I truly believe that.

And now he’s found someone who hates me just as much. And their mutual hate for me can bring them together.

And here I am. Still in love. Still hoping that things will go back. Still praying everyday that he will remember the time when he loved me.

But we can’t go back now.

He will never come back.

I feel like someone is stealing the air from my lungs. My heart is on fire. I can’t bring myself forget that he’s with someone new, because every time I suddenly remember, the pain is just a tiny bit worse. I fear falling asleep because waking up will bring a torture I did not have to experience this morning.

“When you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part.”

John Mayer had it right.

All I want is support. People helping me along the way. I want to feel like people love me and will take my side and come to my rescue. 

But everyone loves him. I can’t ask anyone to take a side because they all loved him before me.

They’ll never understand how it feels to live with this.

Why is he doing this to me? Nothing I could’ve done could ever be this bad. In a million years, I never would’ve left him for another guy. Another guy who’s 10x better than he could ever hope to be.

I can’t even compete. My foot isn’t even in the same arena.

I’m helpless. And obviously pathetic.

But I want to wallow right now, and nobody is stopping me. I want to punish myself for everything I ever could’ve done wrong. I want to punish myself for believing things could be different this time. For falling for this whole “love” thing. Again.

Having your heart smashed into a million pieces once is enough. But twice? That’s just plain cruel.

I really hate all of this. And him. And all men. But mostly I hate myself. For letting myself get hurt. For not being good enough. For playing a part in ruining something that I secretly wanted more than anything.

Never again.

I can’t bring myself to stop typing because as soon as I do I have to go back to thinking. And being alone. And the night.

The night is always the worst.

The empty spot next to me on my bed is haunting me. I have to force myself to turn the other way and erase the image of him next to me from my mind.

I just wish he cared.

Tired.

I tried my best to begin an attempt to fix things.

And you denied me.

I was hoping for a text. Just one. But instead I got nothing.

I hope one day you realize what we could’ve had.

I won’t wait forever. But I’m pretty sure I’ll hurt for a long time.

On My Own.

Learning this song for competitions and such. It fits so well. The last lines get me choked up. Every time.

On my own,
Pretending he’s beside me.
All alone,
I walk with him till morning.
Without him,
I feel his arms around me,
And when I lose my way I close my eyes
And he has found me.

In the rain the pavement shines like silver.
All the lights are misty in the river.
In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight,
And all I see is him and me forever and forever. 
And I know it’s only in my mind,
That I’m talking to myself and not to him.
And although I know that he is blind,
Still I say, there’s a way for us.

I love him,
But when the night is over
He is gone,
The river’s just a river.
Without him,
The world around me changes.
The trees are bare and everywhere
The streets are full of strangers.

I love him,
But every day I’m learning.
All my life,
I’ve only been pretending.
Without me,
His world would go on turning,
A world that’s full of happiness
That I have never known.

I love him.
I love him.
I love him,
But only on my own.

For me.

I need to vent and this is the only way I see fit. I’m sorry if it’s tmi or annoying or ridiculous or over-dramatic. Sometimes there’s just nobody to talk to and writing is the only way you can explain it.

If I didn’t need my phone for work and as an alarm clock, I would turn it off.

I really wish I could.

Every time it vibrates I get this rush of excitement/pure terror. I initially think it’s you, but then I realize that it’s not. And it won’t be ever again. The last text that you sent was responded to and then you never acknowledged it.

So now I’ll sit and overanalyze the feelings behind that last text. For a long time.

Was it anger? Confusion? Some sort of compassion? No.

It was probably a mocking tone. You hold all the power now in your little hands. Just like you always wanted. You know I sit here and hurt over you and you love every single second of it.

I wasn’t convinced that you didn’t care anymore. I tried to evoke some sort of positive emotion from you. Any possible way I could.

And… nothing.

There is not one ounce of care left in your body for me. Do you know how it feels to miss someone and love them still and have them not have ONE SINGLE cell in their body that feels any form of good feeling towards you? To have them agree with every negative thing you have to say about yourself when they used to try and convince you otherwise?

Do you know how it feels when someone you care about finally sees the real actual negative, awful person that you are, and uses it to hurt you? Every flaw of your personality happily exposed to you? Every SINGLE thing you’ve ever done wrong thrown right back into your face? As if they kept a book of your mistakes?

I hope you never feel that. Because it’s not a good feeling. Like someone is crushing your chest with their bare hands and you’re absolutely powerless.

I will keep focusing on the negative about you, then. Because God knows you weren’t innocent. It makes it hurt less for a little while.

Did the bad outweigh the good, or just the opposite? I don’t know. I wish I knew. I wish things could’ve been different. I wish I was different and you were different and it was a different place or a different time.

Maybe you wouldn’t hate me so much. Or look down on me. Maybe you’d remember that you used to love me? If you ever even did. Maybe we could’ve worked things out someday.

But things aren’t different. They’re just how they are and I’ll come to terms with it. Hopefully soon.

On a happy note, That 70s show is on :)

Bitterness.

I hate you.

I hate your stupid big brown eyes. I hate your ugly smile. I hate your laugh. I hate the way you sing in the car. I hate that you know every lyric to every Drake verse ever. I hate when you played with my hair so I could fall asleep. I hate when you told me I was perfect. I hate when we watched food network and The Office for hours on end. I hate when we went to the movies almost everyday. I hate how warm you were all the time. I hate when we would sleep together every night. I hate that stupid box of lies I have saved. I hate that necklace I have hidden somewhere in my room. I hate the bag of shit in the corner waiting to be send back to you. I hate your ring I have sitting on my bedside table. I hate the way my hand went numb when you would hold it for too long. I hate that time you took me to the zoo. I hate that you would try to make me laugh when I was mad at you. I hate your little ugly ears. I hate that you would never hang up on me when we argued.

I hate that you loved me once.

Now it’s like it never happened.